How I Know I'm Old

Ans has been posting lists recently and it's got me thinking.

I've got a birthday coming. It's the big train at the end of the tunnel. Here's how I know I'm not the same springy, capricious youth I once was (in no particular order):

1) I refer to undergrads as "kids." To be more accurate, "fucking kids." Unfortunately, Boston is not a place to avoid undergraduates. They fill the T with their inane conversation, usually at a volume appropriate for nursing homes. They sit around at the gym occupying machines and apparatuses, barely increasing their heart rate as they stare at one another lasciviously. All I wanna do is get out of there as fast as humanly possible.

2) I'm asleep at midnight and wake up at nine...on the weekend. Back in the day, I could go to sleep at 2am a little tipsy and get up at 9:30am to play football. Now I have a hot chocolate at 9pm and I'm lucky to see midnight. Granted, a lot of this is Ans' fault. Not only is she the dominant one, but she's also the sleepy one. And she's a morning person, so I usually wake up from the weight of her stares.

3) Speaking of waking up, when I get out of bed, it sounds like I'm making popcorn. I do try to maintain some semblance of physical well-being. Yeah, maybe I eat too much, but I do exercise regularly. Three days at the gym and touch football on Saturdays, but it's taken a toll on me. I had my first physical therapy appointment last week. Apparently I have a weak core. That's right, I'm softcore.

4) I enjoy going to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. When I was in college, there was a Toys R Us across from a Best Buy. That was the mecca of commerce as far as I was concerned. Now I can't remember the last time I was at Toys R Us, but I freakin love BB&B. I don't know what it is, I find that place facinating. How many different kitchen gadgets are there? Knives, peelers, potato mashers, and melon ballers. Melon Ballers? Why the fuck do you need to eat melons in ball form? And the name sounds like porn. BB&B has also opened my eyes to a whole world of sheets. I had never known the ecstacy of high-thread count sheets until BB&B.

5) My friends are having babies. Recently, I reached a transition point in my life where a friend would tell me they were pregnant and my first reaction was no longer "Holy Shit, you're fucked." Now my first reaction is "Oh that's great, congratulations." The "holy shit, you're fucked" comes much later. Having a baby is great and I think everyone should go through that if they want to. On the sadder note, some of my friends are also getting divorced and that's really sad. No one should have to go through that.

6) My hairline and waistline are moving in opposite directions. Who doesn't love a little more skin?

7) I'm using out of date slang. I've had to make a concious shift to remove "phat," "dope," and "shitlickingmotherfuckingcocksucker" out of my daily lexicon. "Phat" and "Dope" had to leave cause no one says it anymore. The other one is more because I work with children. On occasion, I need to use urbandictionary.com to figure out what some phrases mean. Also a bad sign. Now excuse me while I jump in my whip and outrun the po-po.

8) I go places and I forget where I'm going. I'm sure I had something funny to say about this but I can't remember.

9) I forget names and faces of people I just met. Bad when you are constantly meeting new clients. It also makes it difficult in social situations. I know this is a problem when you get older because my parents always called me by my sibling's name. I have a sister.

10) The celebrities I thought were so hot when I was younger are now old. Christy Brinkley is 54. Sharon Stone is 50. I'd still do them.

11) This is most crushing but, I am now too old to be on the Real World or American Idol. I have dreamed a dream, but now that dream is gone from me.